I’m Sorry I Simply Can’t FIT My FEELINGS in TODAY!
WOW! For the first time in a long time I feel overwhelmed by what to write. I like to write with whatever is coming and when my mind gets in the way with “helpful” suggestions I feel very disconnected. I’m simply noticing this, not judging it.
If I am to be honest with you and with myself, what is really coming up for me is my beautiful baby girl Sophia. ButterflyMoms has grown to about 700-1,000 readers a week on a consistent basis and some of you don’t really know why it started. My motivation for doing ButterflyMoms was the life and sudden death of our 13 month old daughter Sophia, MY ORIGINAL BUTTERFLY. Yesterday someone who did not know asked all the questions that you THOUGHT had finally had enough time to “accept”. Most times it is fine and even welcomed. Yesterday, however my emotions came out in a big way and I missed her as if her death had just happened. Grief is not a linear journey! THAT is for sure!!!
As a mother who has lost a child, you miss your child’s touch, voice, smile, smell…Ohhhhh and Sophia had SUCH an awesome, awesome smell. She smelled like wonderful flowers. It was uncanny! I LOVED to nestle my nose up against her tummy to selfish get the biggest whiff I could and have the side benefit of those amazing giggles!! You can understand the connection we had a bit more to know that when I walked into the funeral home and saw her in her little casket, just SEEING her, my body started instantly lactating. I had to put on a coat because my shirt was drenched with milk. My heart was crying as my body was still soooo connected with her that is was trying to feed her body, even as my mind knew she was dead. Even though we are approaching the fifth year of her death, it is still devastatingly heartbreaking at times. I know there are lots and lots and lots of gifts that have come from this. I am not in any way knocking them. It is just society, in general, wants you to MOVE ON and to be honest that is partially true. REPLAYING the past again and again is a waste of the present HOWEVER sometimes as you go along living with your daily business feelings come up that are VERY strong. WARNING: This is NOT the time to have a stiff upper lip! When a feeling comes up pay attention to it. If you don’t take care of it, it will “take care” of you! THAT IS FOR DAMN SURE!
Things, ESPECIALLY feelings, that we STUFF DOWN to “get rid of them” only start to fester and puss. It is much better to let yourself FEEL what is happening in that moment because there are gifts that come from those OPENINGS too! Here are some of the gifts I got from staying open yesterday…
Gift Number 1…When I went to pick up my youngest from preschool I was in a very “feeling state”. Immediately, like a tractor beam a mom, whom I rarely see, out-of-the-blue confided her fear in what was going on with her own son’s health. Kate was replaying the FUTURE WHAT-IF MOVIE to try to keep him safe. The interesting thing is that if you stay in this “movie” you oftentimes miss the cues in the present that will prevent that movie from occurring. (DEEP BREATH – FEEL THAT STATEMENT) Kate seemed a lot more grounded and happy as she drove away.
Gift Number 2…After Kate left, another mom Dima came to pick up her daughter and when she asked about my day I felt a huge emotional wave building. As I felt it get bigger I asked for what I needed….a hug. I broke down sobbing, the kind that I don’t usually do around people I don’t know very well. I had no choice. It felt wonderful to receive such a beautiful gift of a deeply caring hug and fully being present with another person. I believe that she also felt she received a gift- that of being able to be fully present with another human being.
Gift Number 3…Went to Medway with my two youngest girls to run some errands for Brick House Realty and ButterflyMoms. We stopped to get hot chocolates (no whip, no foam, extra side of love) 😉 and there was a mom there with her son who had AMAZING energy. We spoke a bit and then as we were getting into our cars I approached her, told her I had a very emotional day and that my intuition was telling me to invite her to come read the ButterflyMoms blog. ( I had business cards made and pass them out all the time! If you need some let me know!) Well, ButterflyMoms, it was yet another direct hit on the LOVE fest chart! As “luck” would have it she is a cancer survivor and was out with her little son to take in the precious moments she had! We hugged three times!!! 😉 It made both of us feel better. It felt soooooo good!!
Gift Number 4…Spent time with my oldest daughter Mialotta. It was time JUST for her and me. I spend a lot of time with her, just not always PRESENT time. This time I was and I could see the joy in her face and I’m hoping it was a reflection of the joy in my heart that she was mirroring…think maybe it was.
Gift Number 5…One of my client’s, her dad has cancer and the prognosis is not good. I shared my day with her and shared the quiet wisdom I acquired from the day. I did not give her all the details. I simply held a certain energy level that I felt affected her in a very loving way. It was the perfect way to end such an incredible day!
May you allow your feelings a voice and notice all the gifts that come from you being present and vulnerable, knowing that no matter what you are ALWAYS SAFE and ALWAYS LOVED!
I LOVE YOU! :)!
Great big honkin’ hugs sistah- friends!
PS For those who have not heard we BUTTERFLYMOMS have won our FIRST AWARD!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! (standing ovation!!!) We won the “IRRESISTIBLY BRILLIANT BLOG AWARD. I need a couple more weeks to pick our top 10. If you have any suggestions let me know!
PPS It has been four weeks since my BIG DREAM got delivered to me, the book I helped write called “Entrepreneurial Moms Extraordinaire”!!! I sold only TWO books last week which is way below my goal. If you have been meaning to buy yours please do now. My goal is to sell at least 300 in 2011. The people who have read it truly love it! You simply can’t fit any more love into a book! 😉 I sign every book and wrap it with lots of love! You never know what magic comes to you when you create magic for others! To order now go to http://bit.ly/gRxe4U
Here is where the books have gone to ButterflyMoms…
Stony Brook 1
Wien, Austria 2
Dublin, Ireland 1
Rome, Italy 3
When you buy a book you represent your area. Let’s see where all the ButterflyMoms live!!! :)! This is FUN! To buy your copy Click here now… http://bit.ly/gRxe4U
Please tell your friends to mark their calendars to read ButterflyMoms EVERY Friday! 🙂 SPREAD THE LOVE…It’s fun and free!!!!