Today’s soul lesson is about paying attention to that thing that keeps coming up for you even though it feels ICKY, or, even though your mind is bringing in a chorus of naysayers. ALWAYS go with your gut. Part of this journey is starting to distinguish the voice of fear/mind vs the voice of wisdom/instinct. The more PRESENT you are the more WHOLE you will feel. Today’s lesson is a challenging one for me, personally, but it’s coming up as a topic today and if I’m talking the talk, baby, then I have to walk the walk…..because I know wonderful adventures await when we let go and observe! I trust you beautiful ButterflyMoms enough to write the following with an open heart….
“YOU ARE SAFE” – The first time I ever remember hearing those words was the first day of preschool for my then 2 year old Mialotta. I quietly burst into blinding tears. SAFETY. Wow, what a concept! Seeking SAFETY had been my holy grail quest. I had been looking for it, for a place to belong, where I could just “be” my whole life. I was petrified of not being SAFE. Now, as a mother, my SAFETY FEAR PARADIGM had shifted to also include my children’s safety. A few months earlier with the sudden death of my 13 month old baby daughter, Sophia, I was on HIGH, HIGH, HIGH ALERT. What I “believed” was being completely challenged. Growth sometimes feels like pain because it can be scary. To move through it bring in your breath. It is one of your biggest built-in assets!!!
Sophia and Mialotta were only 14 months apart. Mialotta ADORED her little sister. It was wonderful to watch! The day Sophia stopped breathing the blur of events started… all the screaming, trying to give CPR, frantic calling 911, the shrieking ambulances on our lawn, the burly paramedics. It was such a violent, scary scene for me! I cannot imagine what it was like for my twenty-seven month old, sweet little “innocent” Mialotta!!!! One of the hardest things about Sophia’s death was TRYING TO EXPLAIN to my 2 year old why her little sister was physically gone and would not be coming back. In her mind, I had left with Sophia with those BIG men. Mialotta’s world, as much as I wanted to protect her from something so hard to bear, was forever changed. She tried to make sense of it with a stream of questions – “But why did you let those big men take her?” “But if she’s at the hospital why don’t you go get her?”, “Where is Sophia?”, “When is she coming back?”…. The next day she asked me, “Mama, when are the big men coming to take me next?” (breathe……….whew………ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… stay with it). Those words took my breath and crushed my heart. This little, little baby was now unsure of her own SAFETY because even at two your heart can be broken.
It had only been a few months since our baby Sophia died and we were walking around in a deep fog. A WONDERFUL woman from our church, Ellen Kerstein, kept showing up, gently asking us about Mialotta’s going to her preschool. Ellen is an expert at helping children thrive. She has been doing it for decades and she is absolutely fabulous at it! Mentally, we were in a place where decisions were hard to make because they had consequences. Ellen kept asking. She kept showing up. We mindlessly agreed. When we walked in the first day of school and the beautiful Ellen bent down to Mialotta and said, “YOU ARE SAFE,” it blew my mind!
I had not realized I was worried about it because I was sooooooooooooo IN THE FEAR of not being safe. I could see Mialotta immediately relax. This whole scene was a DIRECT MESSAGE RECEIVED from the universe. I GOT that I AM SAFE, that WHAT/WHO YOU need shows up WHEN YOU NEED IT! Our job is not to JUDGE, just take it in. I got that, lessons even when they are crazy hard, help us grow. Someone once said to me that hearts can only grow after they break…….I am starting to FEEL that is true!
Great big hugs,