ANGRY AT GOD!
First, I want to thank Helen Bannigan for her wonderful guest post yesterday. It is wonderful to have heart friends like her and those who reached out. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for lightening my burden and giving me a renewed sense of hope!
I find myself in a very precarious part of my life’s journey. For the most part, it does not feel very good to be where I am right now. If I take the fear and the judgment away I can say that I am definitely experiencing a lot of deep “shifts”. There is a river of rapid, unexpected CHANGE currently re-arranging my life… and that usually does not feel very good to us humans, especially when you seem to be following “the” rules, but not getting the promised results.
I’ve been in a phase where something “icky” happens and I dust myself off, put on a “stiff upper lip and conjure up all the self-help advice I’ve acquired over the years. Then another “Icky” thing happens, then another, then another, almost like “instead of it’s raining men, it’s raining icky.” It gets so bad that you start to think that the universe is pulling a cruel joke on you. It is seems like your whole life is deconstructing without your conscious consent. You think you are at that bottom and then you arrive at a new lower, bottom. Your life seems to be in free-fall mode. You feel scared, disconnected, and angry.
As someone who has been to third world countries and seen how many/most of the people of our planet Earth live, there is a part of me, THE JUDGE, who rides me like a mule. “Look at you! You have running water, heat, a car that works, healthy children, a body that works, etc…SNAP OUT OF IT! “ And I did, I did “snap out of it again and again but there is a part of us that we bury when we simply “snap out of it” without acknowledging what is going on because it’s not convenient, or it makes others uncomfortable, or because it does not feel good, or_____________ (you fill in your own answer).
I get the sense that many feel this way but being raised the way we have been it is not “proper” for us to feel “icky” for very long or even simply be ANGRY. Well-wishers and loved ones also tell me to think about all that I have and to be thankful for that. It is true that I do have a lot to be thankful for but sometimes we feel what we feel and cutting off those feelings or sugar-coating what is going on in life, well quite honestly, sometimes life just SUCKS!
I remember back to a time when we had someone from Early Intervention coming to the house when we first had Sophia. Wise, white-haired Barbara was a wonderful soul who came to the house once a week to help us cope with Sophia having Downs and to make the most out of her life. She had a conversation with Doug once that helped snap everything into place. Barbara also had a special needs son who was now a man, she just blurted out one day, “Ya, it sucks.” Just saying those words released Doug in a very deep way. To be able to say that it sucks that you are in that situation without all the KUMBAHYAH fanfare feels REFRESHING! It is acknowledging your true feelings, not what you are supposed to feel.
It is only when we acknowledge that things do ROYALLY SUCK that we can begin to “move past the sucking”!!! Ignoring it just lets the SUCKINESS grow and fester. It may seem to go away but it only gets nastier and when it finally oozes back into your life you will wish you had addressed it MUCH sooner.
I spent my whole life creating a plan and working that plan of how to avoid pain and have the life I wanted. Over the last few years the universe has completely blown up that world. I AM RAW. Right now my life feels like it’s coming at me full speed. I feel like a rag doll getting thrown around. I don’t know where life is leading me but I will continue to be as authentic and present as I know how. Mark your calendars to come back every Friday for the unfolding journey. Feel free to share your comments below. This is how we can all learn and grow our ButterflyMoms souls.
Great big hugs,
PS My first book “Entrepreneurial Moms Extraordinaire” is scheduled to be shipped at the end of next week. For ButterflyMoms who order it online it is discounted to $19.99 for ButterflyMoms (down from $25). Please order a copy and recommend to your online friends. Click here to buy, and post the link on your Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, …. http://bit.ly/gRxe4U.
PPS Yesterday we had our first Stitch n’ Bitch at Doug Sent Me Green Cleaners in the downtown of an idyllic New England town called Holliston, Massachusetts. It was sooooo incredibly cathartic. It was so wonderful that the people who came asked if we could do it again in two weeks instead of a month. If you don’t live close enough to Holliston to come Thursday, Feb 3 from 6-8pm then join your own group. Building community is another way we feed our soul. For more information you can go to their official website…. http://stitchnbitch.org/